the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
