WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
