I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
