you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
