apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
