I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
