So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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