I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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