I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
