i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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