Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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