Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
