It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
