Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Holy shit dude........stairs
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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