I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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