My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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