i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
