I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You can't just leave with hair like that
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
