I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
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You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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