it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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