Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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