I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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