Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
