Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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