I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
