Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
