I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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