I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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