We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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