I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
