Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
