so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
