there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
