saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
one might say we're banned from that church
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
