My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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