I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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