how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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