i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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