I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
