I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
