I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?