i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dating After Heartbreak
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.