I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
