just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
