he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
