dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
