im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
