You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal