I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.