Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
