so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize