Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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