He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
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You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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