In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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